Gone with the days...

Can you believe this shit!, Mini Me (Vernen Troyer) is now in a sex tape scandal. Just when you thought youv'e seen it all, now a midget celebrity is in a sex tape...can the guy even have sex or does he just dive right in. Look at him all naked there with his tongue out...sexy beast! Gone with the days of this little bugger humping Dr. Evil's leg and now humping 6ft6 models...He has now earned some serious legendary status in my books. I take it she picked him up in the bar (excuse the pun). Its amazing what gets people off these days...just the other day I came across a girl who has webcam and on a daily basis she has sex with farm animals...seriously who the hell watches this crap. If you want the link contact me, oh and check out page 3 thats quite entertaining what she does with a goat, yeah I know you want to see it you sicko! Gone with the days of petting animals...now they having sex with them. Terrible!

What the hell is going on in this once so beautiful country of ours? I just heard on the radio that last night our police force was up against the JHB metro police, what the hell? Bystanders were even shot. Seriously, we supposed to trust these people with our lives, now they just killing eachother...nice! Gone with the days of fearing getting arrested by the police, now you have to dodge bullets when you see them...crazy crap. So right now there are no police in Johannesburg, I dont even want to know how the MOST dangerous city in the world is going handle this. I would raid shops and steal cars...you know just some petty crimes. And apparently the interest rate is going up again, and the petrol price...who is the guy getting off on this? Sitting behind his desk laughing as he makes people poor. WHORE! (random outburst...we spoke about this). Soon they going to charge us for breathing. I hate the government...why has noone burnt down parliament yet? whats wrong with you people!

So my sister is getting married this weekend (wedding crashers welcome), gone with the days of her being single and pissing it up like an Irish woman on St. Patricks day, now she is busy shining up her ball and chain as I type this. So because I am only getting paid on Monday (hopefully), I wont have money for the cash bar provided but I do have a nice bottle of brandy for the car bar that will be outside, anyone with mix is welcome. Oh and I have designed the best I O U card EVER...I really hope she likes it. Gone with the days that I used to pull money out my wallet, now I have a pet moth and some old bank statements. This wedding is really going to be awesome, the dj is going to jam some funky chicken and there is free food (yeah!) and free wine (bonus). My future brother in law still has to pay me his final monthly installments before he gets married...the prize doesnt come for free my friend, you pay for her time!

Gone with the days of me saying I would keep up to date with this blogg daily, now its just weekly...being awesome is a hard job people...DEAL WITH IT!

Bye

Let me tell you about my long weekend...and you WILL listen!

Talk about a great weekend...well mine was awesome! Just when I gave up on going to Infected Mushroom because it was virtually impossible to get tickets, I tried one more time and BAM! I got 2 free tickets via Urban wave...after begging them in 2 seperate emails...dont know if it was that or the death threats I sent them the week earlier but hey it worked and I had tickets to possibly the best indoor trance party this year...

Friday was typical at work, Im on deadline so I decided to do some work for a change and put Facebook on the backburner, which didnt last long. Finally after a gruelling 6 hours of hell (my company will now be described as hell in my blog from now on) the time came for me to go home, it was late, it was 15h02...I could have been at my car already, usually we end at 3 but my computer was taking forever to shutdown...2 minutes is fucken long these days! Okay back to the point. So I cruised home down the m3 at the legal speed limit for a friday (150km per hour), picked up my beautiful girlfriend and zooted off to Kalk bay to get some hippie clothing for our night out. I got this really cool glow in the dark tshirt to blow peoples minds when they saw me under the UV lights...fuck Im clever! Anywho...I didnt have much time after getting home from my hippie shopping spree, I still had to shower, roll a fatty and look awesome. 25 minutes later I was ready to go...so cruising down the N1 to Belville Velodrome We decided apon the greatest idea EVER...to hotbox my car, okay well it wasnt quite a hotbox because the fatty was actually a skinny (toothpick) but it was the finest white widow from the greater Lakeside area. All was going well in the fast lane until by some "fantastic" miracle it dropped between my legs and in my high state I thought my leg or even worse my big kev was on fire...so screaming like a little school girl and zigzagging down the N1, I began to realise I wasnt on fire and everything was cool...except we couldnt find the damn joint, which sucked ass because everyone was smoking in the damn velodrome, and after standing in the que for over an hour to get in I was as sober as a judge. Otherwise...12 o clock came and like heaven to my ears, Infected Mushroom came on stage and magically played my favourite song first...I was stomping and jumping like a fucken madman...Im sure I left cracks in that velodrome floor, it was my plan! Wow! that really was one great night...

Saturday flew past...maybe because I slept the whole day, oh, can anyone tell me the rugby score...DAMNIT! Well anyway...my plan for Saturday was to hit only the greatest club EVER...Tiger Tiger, Fark YEAH! It was a AWESOME night out and to make it even better I scored 4 tickets to SEETHER for the Sunday, there was a guy giving tickets away for free and the way I found out was by almost completely knocking this guy off his feet by falling over my own MASSIVE feet...told him Im sorry and he gave me tickets! I wonder what I will score out the next guy I knock into...maybe a black eye or a broken nose knowing my luck.

Sunday I woke up and realised I forgot to get a fathers day gift, so I bolted up to the mall and got my dad a woolworths voucher, some biltong and cashew nuts, what more could a dad want...and its a bonus because he has such a AWESOME son. I spent about 3 hours with my parents, chilling while they just lay in bed hung over...true party animals! they stay out all night and if they never had a cat to feed, I dont think they would come home...they earn legendary points in my book! Off I went to GrandWest to see probably the most successful SA band SEETHER...it was great, except the beer system at the Grand Arena sucks ass dick! So we bought in bulk and I only pissed like a farm horse during the concert and was an insy bit typsie! Seriously Seether really rocked my socks off! they good...infact they great! After the concert my buddy and I were going to go back to his place with a few friends and piss it up a little when we came up with the great idea of going to the official Seether after party at...yes you guessed it...Tiger Tiger. We got there and it was empty until the whole of GrandWest came and the place was PUMPING...The band rocked up and chilled in the V.I.P section, I didnt have time to meet them when they got there because I was busy at the shooter bar. Eventually I made my way to Shaun (the lead singer) and we chatted and I gave him a few tips for his next gig, he was ever so grateful (I think I made his night) but I dont think he will remember because he was pretty in his chops if you know what I mean...AAAAH...another great night.

Monday, I celebrated my youth day by going to GrandWest to do some gambling which I figured out in a hard way that I am fucken terrible at...I hope GrandWest takes my month's grocery shopping money and spends it wisely! I hope the guy who spends my money DIES! (oops...there goes those aggro torrets again, my bad)...I spent the rest of my "youth day" playing Warriors on PS2...seriously is the greatest game ever, if you ever have a chance to steal this game, go ahead and take it...you wont regret it!

Have a great week!

Kev Out!

Writer's block is a bitch!

Well hello there...welcome back, sorry I have taken so long to report to you about the world of Kev. But I have had one hell of a hectic 1 and a half weeks. I have figured out that my boss must be on the crack, he paid us late (as in a whole fucken week late)...clearly because he was supporting his crack habit and ran out of funds, thats why I got my pay cheque in three installments. I also began to realise that the crack he is on is toying with his brain because he wants me to get out two magazines by next Friday...is he fucken insane. Thats 1 week and a few days (long weekend coming up and I am not working)...This is not humanly possible to do with just me and my junior designer but we are going to have to work our magic or the crack whore will be released and my boss might go harder on the crack and only pay me 2 weeks into next month. Due to all this crap of late payments, I have had to deal with some interesting people to secure my awesome credit rating. I must say Standard Bank is really something else...really the fucken suck, big hairy sweaty balls. I hate them so much...I hope they all die a slow and painful death. For the last month I have been in and out that damn bank trying to sort out all sorts of shit and I now am beginning to realise that they must be dealing the crack to my boss because they just as idiotic. Discovery Health was fun to deal with as well...they will do anything to get every last fucken penny out of you and Im not even covered properly...Im with them for the gym contract just like three quarters of their members.

So all the stress of not having money really gave me brain freeze, I really couldnt think of anything to write. Luckily I got my first pay installment on the day my rent had to be paid...I was freaking out, I thought HOLY SHIT I havent even lived here for a month and Im going to be evicted...that would have been interesting, I havent even put my awesome fridge to good use (of stocking it completely full of alcohol) and I would have to get rid of it, so luckily that didnt happen. The next was my car...I would probably hang myself if my car got repossesed, I really dont see myself walking...anywhere. That got sorted today...hopefully, if the guy (who was clearly high on the same crack as my boss) put my force debit through, if not...bye bye awesome golfie...*tsk tsk*. So now that all the stress is sort of gone I thought I would vent to the masses...the whole 7 of you that read this awesome column. I love you guys...

Well on the bright side, we have a long weekend coming up...WOOHOO! All I want to remember on Tuesday is leaving work on Friday thats it. I am going to go all out...maybe if I party with some of you great followers of my great blog, I will get sympothy alcohol and get completely shitfaced for free...fark yeah! or I could be broke next week and lose some weight in the next few weeks due to lack of groceries. Actually I dont car what happens...I just need a big break from reality and thats exactly what my plan is for this weekend...Maybe a piss up at the party palace the one night and some Tigering on one of the other nights...maybe I will steal some of my boss' crack and sell it to support my filthy drinking habit for Sunday night...sounds like a plan, I wonder where he hides his stash.

So I guess Im sorry for taking so long to write my usual crap...I will try not to let it happen again...whateveR! Just log on and let me catch you by surprise...thats always fun.

So in the great words of Jay-Z....
Keep it real...PEACE!