Only in South Africa...

Will this happen...haha

This thief in East London really got an anal beating and he hasnt even gone to jail yet. He tried to break into the East London Museum but when the alarm went off, he fled...up a tree! Then trying to jump over the big silver sharp fence, he landed on it...bulls eye! OUCH!!! He was stuck on the fence for just over 90 minutes. Check out these pics...

Very comfortable...

The rest of the spikes were waiting for their chance in the gang rape...

That must have got some sack...

Justice really got served here...only if our police force was this efficient.

Great work Mr. Spike

Would you like to Earth Dance?

Its the beginning of Trance season, well open air Trance parties...And what better way to start the season with the Awesome EarthDance. Its going to be huge people! 3 Dance Arena's not floors...fucken Arena's my friends, an Arena makes a floor look like a pubic hair on a urinal, yes...that small. EarthDance will be having a Trance arena, a HipHop/TripHop arena and ofcourse a rock arena.

This party is going to attract some of the wildest and weirdest people known to Cape Town and you know what...Im going, so its going to be awesome because I am wild and weird, funny combo and you add the two together and it creates Awesome, read it up...its there.

Like all good Trance parties it has a hidden location (well sort of), you get a map when you get your ticket...which Im getting tomorrow. Tickets are R170 pre-sale and R200 at the gate. Its from the 12-14 September, so bring your tents and lots of energy. Food stalls are provided and if you run out of weed there is a whole lot of dodgy yet friendly white boys running around selling.

They expecting like between 3000 and 7000 people, so make sure your cell phones are charged up because trust me, there are no cops to help you find your loved ones if they missing. To make things exciting for the rock fans...Goldfish will be there, Woopeeefuckendoodah! Im game to see some fucked up names on the Trance floor like: Zion Linguist, Commercial Hippies, Toby2Shoes and Spekta. This party is going to be CRAZY...I have my glow in the dark t-shirt ready, Lumo sunglasses, hippie pants...I am going to hippie the weekend away next week...AWESOME, good break away from my "home away from home" Tiger Tiger...the smart collar, shoes and jeans will be taking a backseat that weekend.

Hope to see you all there...

Peace!

Guess who's back!!!

Hello all! remember me? Well Im back from my two month writers block. It must have been the cold, I was hibernating a little...but enough about that crap, I feel like telling you about my night last night, so here it goes...

A few friends and myself planned a night out at La Med for its now famous comedy night. I decided to give our "world class" train service a miss yesterday and drive in to hell (work), just so I could get home earlier and have a quick workout before leaving on the great trek over the mountain to Clifton. The reason for my quick workout is because of the little competition I have going with my gym obsessed friend, he thinks Im fat and I think Im in shape...round is a shape right? Well he is pumping every USN product on the shelves at Clicks and I am keeping it natural...Im trying to prove a point okay! USN made me round...Im boycotting that shit.

Anyways...I was "designated Dave" for the night, so I went to the central house with the built in Drive-in (GymFreak's house) in Plumstead. This boy has a HUGE tv or maybe its just big because he stays in a bachelor pad. I keep getting damn side tracked, I promised myself I would write such long bullshit but here I go again. So after getting crapped out when I got to the central house because I forgot my "tropical" tree that was growing in my spare room...we decided to leave with a joint filled with this stuff that looks like Mould's mould (and now that is the name of this amazing stuff), it was brought along by the "accountant", one minute she is freaking out on a balcony and the next thing she is supplying us with the 3rd finest weed I have smoked. What a great idea hotboxing my car on the way to a comedy show...or was it?

We were smoking this thin potent Mould's mould down the mini Miami stip of Camps Bay, driving like 10km per hour because of the foreign exoctic cars trying to show off in front of Caprice...Whats the point of having such nice cars when your penis is the size of a peanut, it truly amazes me. The girls are probably like "Oh my god you car is so amazing...what you hiding under those R4000 Diesel jeans"....zipppp!...."Where is it?" "What the fuck is that thing...its so cute"...anyways...

So we go and park at La Med and we are STONED shitless, freaking out at every person that walks past my car. The eyedrops were out and then the giggles came...and they did not go away, we must have looked so damn suspicious. A car pulled up in front of us with a guy and two girls...me and the "make-up artist" were so intrigued by this that we decided to pretend to be them in the car and created our own conversation...not so funny now, but last night that shit was extremely funny. So after building up enough courage, we got out my car probably stinking of Cape Town's 3rd finest, we walked in to La Med to go to the table we booked. We get to the hostess/waitress and she guides us to our table and as if my paranoia could get any worse, our table was right in front of where the comedians perform. Fantastic! So we freaked out a little...a lot! Laughing nervously and uncontrollably (because of the mould's mould)...We were in for one hell of a night. And to attract more attention to our table (that was under a spot light) we had a celebrity or three, the E-TV Weather girl (no names mentioned...for her protection) Hi Candice!...ooops! sorry...And we had the drummer from an up and coming South African band. And ofcourse the 3rd being yours truly (apparently I look like the gay guy from Isidingo, it has brought me some unnessecary attention over the years). Lucky for us, either the lighting was really bright on the comedians so they couldnt see us or they didnt recognise us. They did pick on us a little but it could have been a lot worse...plus I was crying a lot from laughter, so Im glad I didnt get picked on because I probably really would have looked gay infront of everyone...crying like a little bitch, that was some good mould's mould I guess.

Seriously people...every second Wednesday La Med has these Comedy nights, they seriously worth the watch, its free, all you have to do is book a table. The comedians were all great and the MC was fucken brilliant...I wish I had this show on video.

The comedians were:

* Martin Davis (MC)

* Richard hardyman (Kfm)

* Rob van Vuuren (Twakkie from Corne and Twakkie)

* Paul Snodgrass (E-tv's thats sports show and other comedy acts)

* David Livingson (Mweb advert guy)...dont know how to spell his surname, I carnt spal to goed!

I will try keep this blog up to date, I promise

Happy Spring people!

FRRRRRREEEZING!!!

What the hell is up with Cape Town's weather? JEEZ!!!! Its just too cold. I thought it was bad enough me living in a pink house, now I have the vagina to match it. My house is like the inside of a deep freeze. I sit and watch t.v in a tshirt, jersey, jacket, beanie, black boxers (so the skid marks dont show), long pants, takkies and under a blanket. My house is too cold, I first thought it was haunted because every now and then I would get these cold flushes and because there is a ghost in my downstairs toilet...she's nice...at times. Getting out of the shower is depressing, As soon as I get out I watch the water turn to icicles on whats left of my penis. He was so happy in summer, hanging around. Taking my pajamies and trying to put them on is a mission...because they stuck in the position I left them in. My bed feels like a cold puddle...I have to lie in one position the whole night with the blanket over my head just to stay warm...god, I hate winter, and this isn't even bad, I mean this is like summer in some Northern Hemisphere countries. But still it sux...(and I think someone is listening because the sun is shining directly on my desk as I type this)

Well I have had my fair share of depressing people over this winter period already. My boss is moaning alot more than ever, I have clients who are on the verge of suicide...I had the marketing director of Coca cola on the phone with regard to the advert I designed for them, She was like "ag, do what you want I just dont care anymore", yes people I have been checking the obituary for her name, clearly noone has found her body yet. 5fm is just plain depressing from 12 - 3pm and I dont need winter to help with that one. Dj's Grant and Anelle are seriously the kakkest duo ever to grace radio, what crack was the head of 5fm smoking when he decided to put those two idiots on to replace LEGENDS Sacha and Ian. COME ON!!!! seriously! I think the suicide toll went up in this country since they were put on air. I dread it when 12 o clock comes and Sacha says chow! I want to crawl up into a little ball under my desk and start crying like the little girl I have become to be from this winter...

I hope Derek van Dam uses that swift hand movement of his and brings back the sun to Cape Town...if not, I will untag his ass from all my sister's wedding photos...Yes Derek be warned...you will be erased from the wedding album if you dont bring sun to my lovely city soon...

Gone with the days...

Can you believe this shit!, Mini Me (Vernen Troyer) is now in a sex tape scandal. Just when you thought youv'e seen it all, now a midget celebrity is in a sex tape...can the guy even have sex or does he just dive right in. Look at him all naked there with his tongue out...sexy beast! Gone with the days of this little bugger humping Dr. Evil's leg and now humping 6ft6 models...He has now earned some serious legendary status in my books. I take it she picked him up in the bar (excuse the pun). Its amazing what gets people off these days...just the other day I came across a girl who has webcam and on a daily basis she has sex with farm animals...seriously who the hell watches this crap. If you want the link contact me, oh and check out page 3 thats quite entertaining what she does with a goat, yeah I know you want to see it you sicko! Gone with the days of petting animals...now they having sex with them. Terrible!

What the hell is going on in this once so beautiful country of ours? I just heard on the radio that last night our police force was up against the JHB metro police, what the hell? Bystanders were even shot. Seriously, we supposed to trust these people with our lives, now they just killing eachother...nice! Gone with the days of fearing getting arrested by the police, now you have to dodge bullets when you see them...crazy crap. So right now there are no police in Johannesburg, I dont even want to know how the MOST dangerous city in the world is going handle this. I would raid shops and steal cars...you know just some petty crimes. And apparently the interest rate is going up again, and the petrol price...who is the guy getting off on this? Sitting behind his desk laughing as he makes people poor. WHORE! (random outburst...we spoke about this). Soon they going to charge us for breathing. I hate the government...why has noone burnt down parliament yet? whats wrong with you people!

So my sister is getting married this weekend (wedding crashers welcome), gone with the days of her being single and pissing it up like an Irish woman on St. Patricks day, now she is busy shining up her ball and chain as I type this. So because I am only getting paid on Monday (hopefully), I wont have money for the cash bar provided but I do have a nice bottle of brandy for the car bar that will be outside, anyone with mix is welcome. Oh and I have designed the best I O U card EVER...I really hope she likes it. Gone with the days that I used to pull money out my wallet, now I have a pet moth and some old bank statements. This wedding is really going to be awesome, the dj is going to jam some funky chicken and there is free food (yeah!) and free wine (bonus). My future brother in law still has to pay me his final monthly installments before he gets married...the prize doesnt come for free my friend, you pay for her time!

Gone with the days of me saying I would keep up to date with this blogg daily, now its just weekly...being awesome is a hard job people...DEAL WITH IT!

Bye

Let me tell you about my long weekend...and you WILL listen!

Talk about a great weekend...well mine was awesome! Just when I gave up on going to Infected Mushroom because it was virtually impossible to get tickets, I tried one more time and BAM! I got 2 free tickets via Urban wave...after begging them in 2 seperate emails...dont know if it was that or the death threats I sent them the week earlier but hey it worked and I had tickets to possibly the best indoor trance party this year...

Friday was typical at work, Im on deadline so I decided to do some work for a change and put Facebook on the backburner, which didnt last long. Finally after a gruelling 6 hours of hell (my company will now be described as hell in my blog from now on) the time came for me to go home, it was late, it was 15h02...I could have been at my car already, usually we end at 3 but my computer was taking forever to shutdown...2 minutes is fucken long these days! Okay back to the point. So I cruised home down the m3 at the legal speed limit for a friday (150km per hour), picked up my beautiful girlfriend and zooted off to Kalk bay to get some hippie clothing for our night out. I got this really cool glow in the dark tshirt to blow peoples minds when they saw me under the UV lights...fuck Im clever! Anywho...I didnt have much time after getting home from my hippie shopping spree, I still had to shower, roll a fatty and look awesome. 25 minutes later I was ready to go...so cruising down the N1 to Belville Velodrome We decided apon the greatest idea EVER...to hotbox my car, okay well it wasnt quite a hotbox because the fatty was actually a skinny (toothpick) but it was the finest white widow from the greater Lakeside area. All was going well in the fast lane until by some "fantastic" miracle it dropped between my legs and in my high state I thought my leg or even worse my big kev was on fire...so screaming like a little school girl and zigzagging down the N1, I began to realise I wasnt on fire and everything was cool...except we couldnt find the damn joint, which sucked ass because everyone was smoking in the damn velodrome, and after standing in the que for over an hour to get in I was as sober as a judge. Otherwise...12 o clock came and like heaven to my ears, Infected Mushroom came on stage and magically played my favourite song first...I was stomping and jumping like a fucken madman...Im sure I left cracks in that velodrome floor, it was my plan! Wow! that really was one great night...

Saturday flew past...maybe because I slept the whole day, oh, can anyone tell me the rugby score...DAMNIT! Well anyway...my plan for Saturday was to hit only the greatest club EVER...Tiger Tiger, Fark YEAH! It was a AWESOME night out and to make it even better I scored 4 tickets to SEETHER for the Sunday, there was a guy giving tickets away for free and the way I found out was by almost completely knocking this guy off his feet by falling over my own MASSIVE feet...told him Im sorry and he gave me tickets! I wonder what I will score out the next guy I knock into...maybe a black eye or a broken nose knowing my luck.

Sunday I woke up and realised I forgot to get a fathers day gift, so I bolted up to the mall and got my dad a woolworths voucher, some biltong and cashew nuts, what more could a dad want...and its a bonus because he has such a AWESOME son. I spent about 3 hours with my parents, chilling while they just lay in bed hung over...true party animals! they stay out all night and if they never had a cat to feed, I dont think they would come home...they earn legendary points in my book! Off I went to GrandWest to see probably the most successful SA band SEETHER...it was great, except the beer system at the Grand Arena sucks ass dick! So we bought in bulk and I only pissed like a farm horse during the concert and was an insy bit typsie! Seriously Seether really rocked my socks off! they good...infact they great! After the concert my buddy and I were going to go back to his place with a few friends and piss it up a little when we came up with the great idea of going to the official Seether after party at...yes you guessed it...Tiger Tiger. We got there and it was empty until the whole of GrandWest came and the place was PUMPING...The band rocked up and chilled in the V.I.P section, I didnt have time to meet them when they got there because I was busy at the shooter bar. Eventually I made my way to Shaun (the lead singer) and we chatted and I gave him a few tips for his next gig, he was ever so grateful (I think I made his night) but I dont think he will remember because he was pretty in his chops if you know what I mean...AAAAH...another great night.

Monday, I celebrated my youth day by going to GrandWest to do some gambling which I figured out in a hard way that I am fucken terrible at...I hope GrandWest takes my month's grocery shopping money and spends it wisely! I hope the guy who spends my money DIES! (oops...there goes those aggro torrets again, my bad)...I spent the rest of my "youth day" playing Warriors on PS2...seriously is the greatest game ever, if you ever have a chance to steal this game, go ahead and take it...you wont regret it!

Have a great week!

Kev Out!

Writer's block is a bitch!

Well hello there...welcome back, sorry I have taken so long to report to you about the world of Kev. But I have had one hell of a hectic 1 and a half weeks. I have figured out that my boss must be on the crack, he paid us late (as in a whole fucken week late)...clearly because he was supporting his crack habit and ran out of funds, thats why I got my pay cheque in three installments. I also began to realise that the crack he is on is toying with his brain because he wants me to get out two magazines by next Friday...is he fucken insane. Thats 1 week and a few days (long weekend coming up and I am not working)...This is not humanly possible to do with just me and my junior designer but we are going to have to work our magic or the crack whore will be released and my boss might go harder on the crack and only pay me 2 weeks into next month. Due to all this crap of late payments, I have had to deal with some interesting people to secure my awesome credit rating. I must say Standard Bank is really something else...really the fucken suck, big hairy sweaty balls. I hate them so much...I hope they all die a slow and painful death. For the last month I have been in and out that damn bank trying to sort out all sorts of shit and I now am beginning to realise that they must be dealing the crack to my boss because they just as idiotic. Discovery Health was fun to deal with as well...they will do anything to get every last fucken penny out of you and Im not even covered properly...Im with them for the gym contract just like three quarters of their members.

So all the stress of not having money really gave me brain freeze, I really couldnt think of anything to write. Luckily I got my first pay installment on the day my rent had to be paid...I was freaking out, I thought HOLY SHIT I havent even lived here for a month and Im going to be evicted...that would have been interesting, I havent even put my awesome fridge to good use (of stocking it completely full of alcohol) and I would have to get rid of it, so luckily that didnt happen. The next was my car...I would probably hang myself if my car got repossesed, I really dont see myself walking...anywhere. That got sorted today...hopefully, if the guy (who was clearly high on the same crack as my boss) put my force debit through, if not...bye bye awesome golfie...*tsk tsk*. So now that all the stress is sort of gone I thought I would vent to the masses...the whole 7 of you that read this awesome column. I love you guys...

Well on the bright side, we have a long weekend coming up...WOOHOO! All I want to remember on Tuesday is leaving work on Friday thats it. I am going to go all out...maybe if I party with some of you great followers of my great blog, I will get sympothy alcohol and get completely shitfaced for free...fark yeah! or I could be broke next week and lose some weight in the next few weeks due to lack of groceries. Actually I dont car what happens...I just need a big break from reality and thats exactly what my plan is for this weekend...Maybe a piss up at the party palace the one night and some Tigering on one of the other nights...maybe I will steal some of my boss' crack and sell it to support my filthy drinking habit for Sunday night...sounds like a plan, I wonder where he hides his stash.

So I guess Im sorry for taking so long to write my usual crap...I will try not to let it happen again...whateveR! Just log on and let me catch you by surprise...thats always fun.

So in the great words of Jay-Z....
Keep it real...PEACE!

Laughter is the best medicine...for a hang over!

So being stuck in doors the whole week due to my gang raping by the flu, I decided I had enough of this cabin fever and made a drastic decision to hit Tiger Tiger last night. I first went to good old Springboks for Jug night but it was a bit lame. So after a good half an hour or so we made our move to Tiger...the hairs at the back of my neck still stand up when I think about that place, I love it, 3 more visits and I can start moving my shit in there...great place to set up home! Anywho, it was me and all the beautiful ladies last night (going out with the crew on Saturday)...so I a lot of jealous looks from the creeps that hang in all the dark corners of Tiger and puff away on their cigerettes and sip there double cane and cream soda. I did indeed feel like the man last night and it got even better as the alcohol kept coming my way. For some strange reason we decided to make our local hangout spot (other than the dance floor) the shooter bar. My old headboy pouring us liquid cocaines and lesbian something or another and pink panties...I started questioning my sexuality drinking all this crap, I mean come on! give me a tequila or something with a manlier name like...I dont know...uuu a BALL BUSTER maybe. Im not being ungrateful (it was all free...benefits partying with the chicks, they dont want your money)...I had energy of note after all those bitch pops and the night was getting more awesome after every shot. I now see why girls go fucken ape shit after leaving the shooter bar, us guys all pull funny faces trying to be tough by slamming down an empty neat Jack Daniels shot glass, these girls are drinking colddrink and getting FARKED UP! I love it!

Okay so eventually leaving the shooter bar...I stumbled on the dance floor with my two drinks in my hand that I still had from the 2 for 1 special that ended at half past ten to the most appropriate song at that time..."my drink and my 2 step", I was jamming like a bergie on heat, spilling my drink everywhere, singing and screaming at the DJ (saying that he rocks). After about 40 minutes of displaying my awesomness on the dancefloor, the girls and I decided to chill and have a bit of a smoke break when out of the blue the DJ announces "we giving away free champaigne" in an instant I fought my way to the front of that dancefloor like a bat out of hell and I must of had an angel over me because the manager leant over and just gave me a bottle of South Africa's finest (JC Le Roux)...well maybe he gave it to me because the manager is my buddy, I played it cool though, like we didnt know eachother until I shot the cork over the dance floor and he was there with some glasses and we were pissing it up CLASSY in the club. Man, my first free bottle of booze in a club, thats a night to remember! Except for this morning when my alarm woke me up after 2 hours of sleep...I had the quite a bad hang over, not even my awesomeness could cure this one...

I decided to go to work (because thats the right thing to do) and plus its payday and we end at 3...WAAA hahaha...I love rubbing that in. So feeling like crap I sat at my desk and just facebooked and caught up on some old emails and out of nowhere my photographer pipes up with this joke...its a lot funnier with his hand jesters and facial expressions but I will give it a bash by writing it down. Enjoy...

A wrestler is about to face the world champion in a wrestling match. This champion has never been beaten because he has a move that noone can get out of called the human Pretzel. So anyway our wrestler's coach is giving him words of advice before the "showdown" and telling him that whatever he does he must just not get caught in the human pretzel...

So the fight starts and the two wrestlers are all over eachother and the champion is trying his hardest to get the human pretzel on our boy but its not working. The first round ends and the second one begins and our boy is doing well until the champion catches him in the human pretzel...our guy is twistered and tangled by his own body parts struggling with his life to get out but nothing is working...all of a sudden he bursts out of it and the champion goes flying and knocks himself unconcious making our boy the new champion. As he walks out the ring he gets interviewed: "How did you get out of the human pretzel grip? noone has ever done it before" to which our boy says..."I couldnt move anything until I completely relaxed and realised I could move my mouth, then I realised I could move index finger and as I looked up I saw these balls looking right at me, so I took my index finger and started playing with the balls until they swung in my mouth...Do you know how much strength you have after you bite your own balls...

I almost pissed in my pants laughing to that...I still giggle thinking about it. My hangover headache was cured instantly...so laughter is the best medicine for a hangover!

Have a great weekend ALL!

What is it about Lakeside?

I have lived in Lakeside, Cape Town my whole life and dont have any intention of moving and I dont have any idea why...I just love it here. I grew up in this beautiful suburbia town and so did most of my friends who I met at the local pre school. Growing up in this area got me really patriotic and a small group of us (yeah, you know who you are) started a crew called the Lakeside Locals...man were we cool, tagging walls with spray paint and when times got tough we went as far as using crayons to get our crew's name outthere. All my friends and I grew up on the vlei side and had a turf war with all the peeps on the mountain side...nothing too hectic, maybe just play them in a game of cricket, soccer or rugby to settle scores...because you dont skill in a gang fight, basically a gang fight in Lakeside was the easy way out...but to out score your rivals was more embarresing than anything. Nowadays we still run into our old rivals at the local watering hole and just drink and talk crap to eachother, avoiding the past as much as we can because noone wants to see a grown man cry in a pub...again, hehe...yeah, you know who you are (summer of '98 was a good year for the vlei side boys, haha). When we got over our little turf war with the mountain side boyz...we actually saw some potential for the lakeside local crew...but that all ended when we found something better to do on Friday and Saturday nights...ALCOHOL, jeez, 15 and 16 was and still is a complete blur for me...but Im proud to say that I still sometimes drink at the same spot I had my first drop of alcohol. Its a chair at the vlei that over looks the whole lake...its good romantic spot if you want to woo a girl, send me an email and I will send you a map, its secret, it had to be because we didnt want our "suburbia parents" finding out we drink, its bad enough we were playing sport with the mountain scum, imagine what they would have thought if they found out we were getting pissed on hooch and other bitch pops...

Lakeside reminds me of a small American town, where everyone knows everyone expect less friendly, well not really just not as hectic as they are in the movies where you run into someone in the shop and have a fat chat...in Lakeside it is a quick hello and move on, but you still know who that person is and a tiny bit about them. My first job was in the local video store...I started to know everyones business (and poor taste in movies)...you find out who the sicko's are and the drama queens...I felt like Tom Hanks in Forest Gump, where he says: "you can tell alot about a person's shoes"...well you can tell alot about a persons taste in movies...seriously you can! I couldnt believe some of the people I thought I knew...

Well, I have been very patriotic (as I usually am) and moved out of home and literally across the tracks (not too close to the mountain side...didnt want people thinking Im a trator) from my parents place...how cool is that? Im still in Lakeside and I still have my folks to do my washing...I am living the life people! I just cant leave, I feel like Im in 'lost' where everyone on 'Oceanic 815' has some sort of bond with the "Island", well Lakeside is my freakin Island and I just can leave...even my girlfriend is from Lakeside, what are the chances!...its great! Two of my closest friends who I grew up with unfortunately left the great suburb but I know that every night before they go to sleep...they cry and scream at themselves because they know...you can never just leave the "Island"...its going to be with you forever....

You will never know Lakeside unless you live or have lived here...FACT!

Gang raped by the flu!

Jeez, just when I thought everything was alright and my health was at its best, the flu gets me...and gets me good. It came at about 3.30am Tuesday morning and it pounded me hard...I was sweating, breathing heavily and when my alarm went off for work I couldnt move, I have had a similar experience in my life before and it was also a three letter word but it was pleasurable...but this just fucked me up. So I did the honourable thing and called my office and told "Z" my receptionist to pass the message on that "the kev" wont be coming in today, I would hate to know how the company managed without my awesomeness being there yesterday but hey I had more important things to worry about like my health for instance...

Damn, do I still feel like crap, I curse the person who gave this to me...lucky the workload has gotten less so I reckon its time to do the unspeakable and call the doctor...I hate doctors (Im just going so I can get my certificate so I can have a legal day or two off from work), they always want to put needles inside you and guess what is wrong with you and they have the most untidiest handwriting...seriously can a pharmisist really read all the crap he puts on paper. Imagine being the new guy at the pharmacy and in walks a guy with a piece of paper with scribbling on that a 9 month old baby could probably relate to, I mean what do you do? if you ask the guy "so whats wrong with you", he is going to think you an idiot...so maybe the new guy just plays the guessing game, actually maybe all pharmisists play the guessing game and just give you crap that they think you need just by looking at you, well they must be really good at poker because about 70% of the time it works...I dread the 30% that catches me every now and then.

Wish me luck people, this is going to be scary!!!

The "great" African Safaris

This is one of the magazines I design (yes, that is what I do for a living...other than being awesome 24/7)...This is the "baby" of my company...you can find this particular magazine in your local CNA or Exclusive books. Go check it out, its a great read (not that I read it, but so I hear)...I just put it together.

Well the reason I put "great" in inverted commas is because this has all the potential of being the best travel mag in the country but my boss...who is a bit of a cheapskate wont pay those extra few pennies to register with ABC just to get their stamp in our mag so we can enter for a PICA (the most prestigious award in the publishing industry). So yes it does piss me off to think I bust my ass off every 2 months gunning this magazine...working hectic unpaid overtime, the deadline chopping and changing and dealing with all the crap from the scum of the earth 'the sales team', okay so they are the heart of the company but all the crap they pull when we on deadline cause me to plot some crazy shit on them...like bombing their cars or kidnapping their family for ransom, you wouldnt know until you have been in a designer's shoes and those designers out there reading this can relate to exactly what Im saying. Anywho back to the point or my article, African Safaris is seriously in a league of its own compared to the other travel magazines outthere (hehe), it has a cleancut design and the articles are very well written. Like everything in my life I have worked hard in, I feel like I am being robbed again...I have never won a trophy for anything....ANYTHING, and I have done everything...EVERYTHING. I didnt even get a "nice try" trophy for doing my best...I either must have really sucked or everybody has something against me. I like to think of option 2. All I want is for my boss to just stop being such a schnoop mofo and put that damn sticker in our magazine so we can get some recognition and win the damn PICA we deserve...If I were part of the team for Explore, GO or Getaway I would be shitting myself right about now...be afraid be very afraid bitches...

So this is me...

I have decided its about time I try out some creative writing...I think whats going to make it nice and creative is my spelling, it goes from bad to worse as the sentences get longer. School was years ago (6 to be exact), so this is officially my first essay since...wish me luck people!

This blog is basically going to be all about how I portray the world around me and there will be a bit about me here and there (Im sorry...Im very patriotic...to myself or is it vein, who knows). I can be critical at times but I usually just let things slide, like metrorail for example...it is by far the worst public transport in the modern world, I mean if you own a restaurant and you know its going to be peak hour soon, you will prepare like crazy for the busy time...Metrorail does the complete opposite at peak hour and works perfectly when noone needs the train home...I fucken hate it....Jeez, thats the first time I have actually vented about it in like 17 years of taking the train...I do drive but whats the point of parking my car for 8 hours when I can drive it on weekends and show my baby off ...plus petrol is a bitch.

I will try write about my weekends on Monday mornings but I dont think there will be much to write down as I go a little too crazy on Fridays and Saturdays and usually spend my Sundays turning meat on a braai trying to figure out what the hell happened or I just lie in bed all day and come out at night like a fucken vampire because any bit of light feels like it will melt the skin right off my body. Thats when I know...that was one fucken AWESOME weekend.

Wednesdays and Fridays will be interesting to read this blog because Tuesdays and Thursdays are usually my mission night...Mission one: LETS FIND WEED....Mission two: LETS HOTBOX THIS MOTHERFUCKER....Mission three: LAUGH UNCONTROLABLY...Mission four: MUNCHIES....Mission five: SPONTANEOUS ACTS OF STUPIDITY....man, I cant wait for tomorrow...good times!

The one place I love partying at is Tiger Tiger...I just fucken love that place. There is nothing like 2 for 1 after a hectice car bar session, beautiful bartenders, bouncers that anyone in the club could fuck up and music that you can actually sing along too...there is nothing like being in your Tiger chops on a Tuesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday....so if you out and about you more than likely going to find me pissing it up at Claremont's finest club.

So thats just a insy tiny bit about me and some of the crap that I will be posting on this "journal of my life"....I hope I can keep it going and you guys keep reading

Byeeeee!